This is a big Important post and if things go the way I hope they will it will shift the focus of this blog. But in a good way so keep reading.
Its Sunday February 21 at &;42 am. My very long hair is falling out of a bun barely held buy a velvety scrunchy. my mousy brown mixed with gray roots are over an inch long and my whispies are out of control. I’ve been wearing the same stinky clothes over and over and I can’t even remember the last time I brushed my teeth. Ive been in severe depressed mode for over a month now.
Two days ago I received a diagnosis from a Neurologist. I had gone to see her about well.. for lack of a better way to put it… why the hell I’m so weird. Why am I so emotional? Why am I so sad? Why can’t I keep friends? Why do I push everyone away? I had suspected that I was on the Autism Scale, ADHD and I knew I was depressed. I just wasn’t sure what exactly I was and sure as hell didn’t know how to fix it.
As someone who chooses to be natural its hell living with things like this medicine free. But I’ve done meds before and I just feel like they make it worse. I don’t judge you if you take them but I just don’t want to.
So this is what she told me. I have ASD and ADHD but she said I scored very low on both so neither is the culprit.
Well damn. Then what is? Something I didn’t want to hear that’s for sure.
Years ago when my marriage was falling apart my husband was seeking advice from people without my knowledge. I didn’t even know he was telling people MY business. MY PERSONAL STRUGGLES with someone I didn’t even know. Ug just the thought of that makes me livid. And it hurts enough that my little paranoid trust bunny inside is like… nope, ever again.
I WILL NEVER SHARE ANYTHING PERSONAL WITH ANYONE EVER AGAIN.
At least not when it makes me vulnerable to attack like that.
Well hubbys friend ordered him some books that came in the mail and I found them, One of them was about Borderline Personality Disorder.
It even hurts to write that. I don’t have Borderline Personality Disorder. Im smart. My kids are good. I don’t abuse drugs. Im not promiscuous. BPD is for crack whores. Its not me.
But apparently it is. Great. As if my depression needed anymore fuel. No really. You should see my hair. I have no will to live. Its a miracle im even writing this.
But I need an outlet somehow because guess what. This won’t beat me.
Heres what she told me:
IQ 120 – superior 91st percentile
receiving, processing and expressing information – Superior – 99.6th percentile
ASD – low
ADHD – low
BPD – high
PTSD – high
She began her results with “Miss Bee you are a very intelligent lady”.
Yeah a very intelligent lady who cant keep a job and has no friends. AWESOME! let me just take the last 2$ out of my bank account and go buy a puzzle book to have a date night with. FML for realz y’all.
Anyway, I’ve been avoiding it and processing it and avoiding it and then processing it some more the last few days and I’ve been grouchy AF in the process. And here’s what I’ve decided.
Again, This won’t beat me. Ill figure a way around it if for no other reason except my kids, that’s enough.
Ill read book and join groups. The boys and I will talk. They need to know me being weird is not their fault. Ill find books and groups for them and for me and we will read and keep loving each other and be fine. Im sure of it.
And then, maybe one day…. I can help someone else..
I chose to continue this journey on this blog because this is about me and why im so weird and this blog is proof that….well im weird. So if you’re just now finding this blog, take a read. Its been 7-8 years of divorce and depression and yes… promiscuousness.