Another post today. I’ve been home all day and my mind has been very busy. I have SO much to say but it just doesn’t come out the way it should.
I want so bad to connect. To be valued. To have friends and be a part of something. But in the same breath I’m terrified. Like why do people have to be so scary?
I’ve always likened myself to an abused dog. Have you ever seen a stray dog that’s been abused? They’re so ugly and not taken care of. They scamper for find shelter and food. They’re like…. “do you have food? Ok good. I need it but yeah please don’t touch me.” Then when the helpers noose them and cage them the poor damn dog is snarling and biting. Terrified. We’re terrified. Me and the start dogs. I’m one of them. We’re scared of you because we trusted once with our whole beings and we’re hurt so bad.
Then they get a warm bath. A warm bed. Some pets and DEAR GOD the amount of time humans give to animals to build trust.
If just one or two humans could do that for me, I’d be healed.
With the dogs people go months, sometimes years with a pet giving NOTHING BACK. But yet they come day after day with love and work for that trust.
I guess I’m worth less than a dog. Idk.
I definitely don’t understand all this human shit. I don’t think I am human sometimes. I’m not of this world anyway.
And so I just stay in my shelter and eat what I can find thankful that I do have two loving humans here (my sons 24/19) to love me. But then I have to venture out among the unsafe people and get looked at and touched and talked to, all of which can unnerve me depending on how I ready myself.
Pretending to be ok in places were not really ok is called masking and I’m really good at it. Sometimes in life we have parents, friends, teachers, spouses, caregivers who DEMAND us to act a certain way so we learn quickly to appease to avoid punishment.
I’m very much an introvert. I can be alone for the rest of my life and be ok. I just need maybe a hug and to talk to my kids occasionally but even my best friend said “I thought you were an extrovert” and I was shocked.
That’s how good I am at faking it.
But let me tell ya…. I’m not ok. I’m sick. Sicker than I thought I was. And I have to formulate a game plan for wellness and it’s a daunting task.
Throw me a bone.