My mama visited me last night. In a dream.
In my dream I was in a car that was going past my mothers old house. The house I grew up in. One Thirty One Parker Rd in Houston.
There were signs of life, building materials outside. I had the car pull around and I hopped out to go see who was inside.
When I walked in I looked straight ahead and there was a small couch in a place we never put a couch and a woman was sitting on it. She smiled at me. I thought for a second… was she my mom? (this is when I realized in my dream that I was indeed looking for my mother.) but I knew almost immediately that she wasn’t.
But I was in a dream. I wasn’t sure if this was a younger version of my mother I didn’t know. I was confused. Disoriented. The thought passed. I knew it wasn’t her.
I looked down and there was a chair right beside me and there…. there was my mom. I knew her face in an instant. She was younger, maybe in her 60s. (My mother was born on 6-12-25 and lived to be 92. The number 612 has always been my sign she is with me. When I see it I know she is there) and she was black and white. I don’t know why. It wasn’t sickness. It was just her in black and white like…. like that was the way she was supposed to be.
I kneeled down and said “Mama, do you know who I am?”
My mother had Alzheimers so this is how I always greeted her. It helped me know if she was having a good day or a bad day. If she was having a good day she knew who I was immediately. But some days, she thought I was my sister and some days she changed the subject and some days… she didn’t answer me at all. She was in her own little world.
I feel like I’m going to that world one day and I’m not scared. I hope I know my kids when they appear in front of me.
Anyway, she laughed at me. She said… “of course, you’re Stacy.” and let me tell you, when you’re visiting a parent with Alzheimers, a parent you know you’re about to lose, those are the sweetest words you can hear.
But in my dream this wasn’t the mama I had for 7-8 years before she passed. This was mama. My mama. My beautiful sweet, anxious. worried, mama who loved me and my siblings with the purest, most complete and unconditional love I’ve ever experienced in my life. The love that I strive every day to give my own children.
She was alert and awake and laughing at me in black and white. And then she was gone.
I woke up to the mess that is my bedroom in Plano, Texas.
I had an issue at work a week ago today and it set me into a tailspin that I don’t think im going to be able to recover from. So my old friend depression came to visit and my head has been throbbing trying to find the balance between the old stale belief systems that so boldly plague my mind and the fresh new truths I’m embracing. The line between the two is so thin right now and its name is fear.
Its taken all of my energy not to think about the issues that confront me right now: Quitting my job, losing my insurance, finding a new job when the patterns aren’t healed or broken, knowing the likelihood of only being at any new job just a few months are pretty high. The shame and guilt of living in patterns I have neither the strength or resources to heal from. Its a lot. It too much. I have spent a week escaping into one of my happy places. Star Wars.
But there I was, in my dark, dirty room. Alone and broken and sad. I was about to touch her face. I was gonna kiss her hands. I wanted to talk to Mama. My best friends, my protector and most importantly, the healer of my broken heart.
But she was gone.
I looked down at my phone and it was 6:12am
This wasn’t just a dream. This was a visit. My mother drew me to her in my dream and was still with me in the darkness of my room that reflected my current belief about my life.
I emotionally spoke with her freely as I would have years ago as a young girl who just needed her mama and I asked her to send help. Angels, family, (my entire family of origin plus 3 children have gone on before me) spirit guides or even God himself. I don’t care because I don’t know who’s there but I know that if an earthly mother can love an earthly child as fully and wholly as my mother, plagued with her own demons of addictions, insecurity and anxiousness then I know…. I KNOW that whoever or whatever is there fueling us to love that way, loves even more.
I sat down with my phone and turned on my video and begin to record a message to my self from my higher being.
“Listen girl. There aint nobody here in the flesh but me and you. The family is gone, and that’s ok. Thats just the way life is for you being the baby. And that’s ok. Thats ok! I know you’re feeling sad. I know this because I am you. Im here with you. But, there’s a reason for all for this. We may not be able to see it now. but, remember what Abraham always says about being sad. Its because you’re not lined up with who you’re really supposed to be. So, what is it you need to line up with? I know that you know what it is. Its all the stuff that the legalistic people who were in your life caused you to believe about how things work. You have to forget that stuff……
……If you had as much faith in the powers watching over you as you have in insurance, in jobs, you wouldn’t want for anything. Stop putting your faith in man made things. Stop worrying about money. Money is energy. Stop worrying about when and where and how you’re going to hustle when you let it trump how you feel. Being aligned and happy is what you’re seeking. Let the universe. God. Mama! deal with the rest.”
I made a 6m video and when it was over…. whatever was there on me was gone. I got up, got dressed, put on some make up and left to have a day. A happy day.