The Stacy I was this time last year, no longer exists. I don’t know how to explain it except that I have evolved.
As a child I remember no dread feelings. I was happy and content. I was loved, adored even, and I did what I wanted to. I loved all things and all things loved me. I felt in touch with spirit and did not feel it unusual to see and connect with spirits.
I remember my mother once saying we were going to spend the night with a friend and her daughter because they felt like their house was haunted and they were scared. My mother seemed bored all night. Just being a kind friend. I think she went home. It was not like her to spend the night anywhere. But I stayed. I wasn’t scared. Apparently my mother wasn’t either, leaving her child in a haunted house. I think I exhausted her.
I remember being in the den with this girl. I had never met her but everyone was an instant friend to me. The den was dark, dark burgundy carpet. Dark wood. Black couches. A la 70s shag decor.
I don’t remember what we were doing but I felt it. I felt the dark presence of the spirit. I asked her if someone else was here and she said it was the ghost. I felt it up near the ceiling and I remember telling it, very matter of factly, to leave. That it didn’t belong there and it wasn’t welcome.
I don’t remember if it left or not. I couldn’t be bothered. I was just a child. I was busy playing barbies or something. But looking back I think….”WTF kind of little girl just tells a ghost to leave with that level of authority?”
And there are other stories. Visions. Just knowing stuff. All very active in my vibration as a child and up until my mid 20s.
Then I married a man they told me not to, my soul died and I grew away from them. That was 1996
Now it’s 24 years later and I’m ready to be fully reunited with the little girl from the 70s who told a ghost to fuck off.
I have been seeking. Asking praying but today I was told no again. Not yet. At least, not much. They are here. A little but the message that came though today was…. “you need to rest in the middle for a while”.
I have been fully drained of all that is within me. My love tank has been empty. My eyes have cried all the tears. My heart can not break into smaller pieces. And then….. I stood up from it.
I have said “No more” and I am walking away. That’s where I am. No longer that broken, and never will be again, but not yet healed enough to stand for others.
But I will. I have no doubt. As strongly as I felt that dumb ghost I feel the very energy that created me and gave me a purpose standing nearby watching over me. And there are more. Spirits of love and hope and strength, faith, peace….. all holding me as I rise, and walk away from the mess that has been me for 24 years.
And evolution is ugly. There is that moment between what you were and who you’re becoming where the cocoon is still there. There’s eggshell on your back, placenta on your face or dirt on your leaf.
But good god what’s on the other side of evolution is gorgeous isn’t it? 🦋🐥👼🌳